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Ugh, stop twitching
foolish 2
minutiae Posted 2002-10-10 03:09:33 by Jim Crawford

Foolish II: Galactic Disturbance
By Jim Crawford and Chris Hampton

EXT. CITY STREETS. NIGHT.

THE DANCING FOOL, an odd creature construced of lines and circles, strolls down the sidewalk.

THE DANCING FOOL (V.O.)
I wasn't always like I am today. Once, I was just another kid living on the streets of Harlem.

He reaches the middle of the block and stops. A greenish bubbling SLIME MONSTER oozes up to him.

THE DANCING FOOL
Who the fuck are you?

SLIME MONSTER
Hey buddy, you interested in a time machine?

THE DANCING FOOL
Yes sir, give it here!

SLIME MONSTER
Haha, you must pay for it!

THE DANCING FOOL
How much do you want?

SLIME MONSTER
I want your soul! Your soul!

THE DANCING FOOL
Not like, "shoe" sole, right?

SLIME MONSTER
No you idiot! Your soul!

THE DANCING FOOL
Gotcha!

SLIME MONSTER
I also want 20 zorkmids.

THE DANCING FOOL
But that's all the cash I got left!

SLIME MONSTER
So its a deal?

THE DANCING FOOL
Fuck you!

SLIME MONSTER
No machiney weeny?

THE DANCING FOOL
OK, I guess I'll take it.

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

The Fool walks over to a man-sized CARDBOARD BOX lying on the ground with antennae sticking out of the top and the words "time mushyn" scrawled on the side.

THE DANCING FOOL
Holy fuckin' shit! A time machine!

The Fool clambers into the box, which starts flashing and sliding around the floor. It stops exactly where it started. The fool steps out again.

THE DANCING FOOL
Holy fuckin' shit! I made it out alive!

The fool examines the machine.

THE DANCING FOOL
What's this say? Made in Singapore? Hmm...

EXT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

The door opens and the Fool exits. He pauses, and talks to himself.

THE DANCING FOOL
But I need cash... couldn't I steal it? Steal it... from myself? Wouldn't that be a paradox though? I heard once on a National Geographic special that you could get sent to hell for it. But that's bullshit. I'm off to rob myself!

EXT. CITY STREETS. NIGHT.

The Old Fool walks down the same city sidewalk on which we originally saw him. He stops in the middle, and the New Fool comes up to him.

THE OLD FOOL
Who the fuck are you?

THE NEW FOOL
I'm umm.. you! I mean, Me! Gimme 20 zorkmids, now!

THE OLD FOOL
No! I only have 20 zorkmids!

THE NEW FOOL
I don't care!

THE OLD FOOL
I just wasted 50 on a roller blade wheel!

THE NEW FOOL
So fuckin what?

THE OLD FOOL
I don't even have roller blades!

THE NEW FOOL
I know!

THE OLD FOOL
How do you know?

THE NEW FOOL
I'm you, cock sucker!

THE OLD FOOL
Oh yeah!

THE NEW FOOL
So, hand it over.

THE OLD FOOL
Uhh... ok.

THE NEW FOOL
That's damn right!

THE OLD FOOL
BYE!

EXT. FARM. DAY.

Twin suns shine down on the huts and odd farming machinery sticking out of gigantic hole in the ground. LUKE SKYWALKER walks along the edge and stops at the steps leading down into it. BEN KENOBI walks up.

BEN KENOBI
I sense a disturbance in the force!

LUKE SKYWALKER
A great disturbance?

BEN KENOBI
A GALACTIC disturbance!

LUKE SKYWALKER
We're all gonna die!

BEN KENOBI
Calm down!

LUKE SKYWALKER
The instability will blow up every star in the universe!

BEN KENOBI
No, no, no. We can stop it!

LUKE SKYWALKER
How?

BEN KENOBI
Do you still have your light saber?

LUKE SYYWALKER
Huh? No, I sold it YEARS ago. Dangerous shit to have around the house.

BEN KENOBI
WHAT??

LUKE SKYWALKER
Hey, I was just kidding!

BEN KENOBI
Now is no time for jokes, my boy.

LUKE SKYWALKER
Chill the fuck out... here, check it.

Luke pulls the LIGHT SABER out of his pocket and turns it on. Unfortunately as it extends it burns Ben's face off.

LUKE SKYWALKER
Oops.

Ben runs around like a decapitated chicken. Music: Wah wah wah waaaah.

EXT. CITY STREETS. NIGHT.

The Fool walks down the sidewalk and freezes once he reaches the middle. The Slime Monster bubbles up.

THE DANCING FOOL
Who the fuck are you?

SLIME MONSTER
Eh? Oh, it's you again. Is that a generic friendly greeting where you come from, or what?

THE DANCING FOOL
Huh? I don't understand.

SLIME MONSTER
I mean, every time I see you, you pull that "who the fuck are you" crap. Why?

THE DANCING FOOL
What do you mean? This is the first time I've seen you in my life.

SLIME MONSTER
Weren't you just here?

THE DANCING FOOL
Oh! Yeah, I was. I robbed myself.

SLIME MONSTER
Really.

THE DANCING FOOL
I was a real bitch, you know?

SLIME MONSTER
Odd, that. You want a time machine?

THE DANCING FOOL
Hey, cool! Give it to me!

SLIME MONSTER
No, no, you have to pay for it.

THE DANCING FOOL
Pay? I don't have any money! Like I said, I robbed myself.

SLIME MONSTER
How about your soul?

THE DANCING FOOL
Hmm... I was so slick, for all I know I probably took that too.

SLIME MONSTER
Wait, wait...

The slime monster reaches a bit of his bulk over the Fool's head, pauses, and retracts it.

SLIME MONSTER
No, it's still there. So, how about it?

THE DANCING FOOL
A soul. Isn't that price a bit steep? Not like, "shoe" sole, right?

SLIME MONSTER
Right.

THE DANCING FOOL
No, I think I want to keep my soul. Hey, I do have this roller blade wheel. How about that?

SLIME MONSTER
Really? Keen, I'll take it.

EXT. FARMHOUSE. DAY.

Luke walks down the stairs cut into the rock towards the farmhouse, talking to himself.

LUKE SKYWALKER
I can't believe I just killed a Yedi master! The Yedi Guild will have my head for this!

He reaches the bottom and calls for help.

LUKE SKYWALKER
Uncle Owen!

Uncle Owen walks up to him.

UNCLE OWEN
What have you done?

LUKE SKYWALKER
I've killed Ben! We were trying to save the galaxy!

UNCLE OWEN
You FOOL! He was our LAST HOPE!

LUKE SKYWALKER
I know, I know! We're all going to diiiie!

UNCLE OWEN
Theres no hope left whatsoever!

LUKE SKYWALKER
All there is that is left is my friend, The Dancing Fool!

UNCLE OWEN
And God knows how fucked your friends are!

LUKE SKYWALKER
I know, I know!

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE. NIGHT.

The Fool walks in.

THE DANCING FOOL
But this is right where that slimy guy said it would be! What's going on here?

INT. CARDBOARD BOX.

THE DANCING FOOL
Yeeeeehaw!

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE. MORNING.

The Fool sits on the concrete dejectedly. He looks haggard compared to when we last saw him.

Suddenly a SPHERE OF LIGHT opens and Luke Skywalker dives out, breaking his fall with his hands.

THE DANCING FOOL
Who the fuck are you?

LUKE SKYWALKER
You don't remember me? I am Luke Skywalker.

The sphere closes.

THE DANCING FOOL
No kidding! Hey, don't give in to the Dark Side, ok?

He begins to walk towards the door.

LUKE SKYWALKER
Huh?

THE DANCING FOOL
The special edition has been released!

LUKE SKYWALKER
What?

THE DANCING FOOL
You know, A New Hope...

LUKE SKYWALKER
You speak in riddles.

THE DANCING FOOL
"Your powers are weak, old man!"

LUKE SKYWALKER
Look, this is important.

THE DANCING FOOL
"Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope"

LUKE SKYWALKER
Will you shut up?

THE DANCING FOOL
"He was a pupil of mine before he turned to evil."

Luke draws his light saber and points it at the Fool.

LUKE SKYWALKER
Damn you, now LISTEN.

Another sphere opens and DARTH VADER floats out. He sinks gently to the floor.

THE DANCING FOOL
Who the fuck are you?

LUKE SKYWALKER
It's Goofus!

THE DANCING FOOL
Criminy!

DARTH VADER
I... am your FATHER!

THE DANCING FOOL
No way! Noo WAY! My father was killed in an automobile accident before I was even born!

Luke tosses his light saber to the Fool, who somehow manages to catch it without slicing his arm off.

LUKE SKYWALKER
The fate of the galaxy depends on you! Good luck!

He dives into the sphere, which closes after him.

THE DANCING FOOL
Are you really my father?

DARTH VADER
No, not really.

Darth extends his light saber, and a swordfight ensues, ending with Darth lying in a pool of blood.

THE DANCING FOOL
Now, to find out your true identity!

The Fool pulls the MASK off to reveal his own face. He gasps, and hangs his head. Music: Wah wah wah waaaah.

FOREST. NIGHT.

The Fool, dressed in all black, is roasting Darth on a ROTARY SPIT. Close up on his face, his eyes are distant, glowing in the firelight. He looks down and walks off.

ROADSIDE. MORNING.

The Fool, dressed in a biker outfit, sits in the drivers seat of an ice cream truck with the light saber hanging from his belt. He puts on a pair of MIRRORED SUNGLASSES and pauses in thought.

THE DANCING FOOL (V.O.)
Killing the me from the alternate reality changed my view of the world. Now I travel, with my friend Weegoner in the passenger seat, fighting crime and injustice wherever it is found. I feel that some day I may meet up with Darth Vader and the time machine again, but until that day comes, I enjoy my time in this existence.

Cut to overhead shot of roadside. We see a forest fire blazing in the distance. The Fool drives off in the opposite direction, his truck playing the theme to Soppa.

Fade out. Roll credits. Life is like a rotary phone.

[link to this] [See more on “minutiae”]

comments
you look like a bug!
Posted by fiskmeshi on 2002-10-11 19:24:50

_-
oO
|_
_/| \
/ \
\/ |_

well, i am not a bug
Posted by Anonymous (stan) on 2002-10-13 05:38:20
   (_____)   __
( .\/.) /+ \
\_o_/ \ /
_ / v \ _--\
| / . . \/ |_|
|/ / \ /||
|| | \_/ ||
||_|_._|| | ||
|/ \~~~\| | ||
|\_/ ^ \ | ||
|/ / \ \| ||
And now you must code a demo for me.
Time Mushyn
Posted by Anonymous (EJ) on 2016-12-27 01:06:02
Yes, but is this Frog Fractions 2?
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